Have you ever seen the blockbuster movie all-time hit "Hum aapke hain koun"? In this movie, the epitome of a Soutn Asian women's life is presented as Pooja Choudhary (Renuka Shahane). Pooja married to a handsome man - Rajesh Nath, who is well educated, super rich business tycoon with all luxuries, handsome, kind, loyal, sweet and so on - you name it. She lived in a mansion, he parents are very happy for her, in laws are just perfect, even the dog is magical, everything is exactly according to the dream of the middle class South Asian women. But her life is extremely boring as it can be - to the point I am happy that she died in the middle of the movie by an accident - rather than see her soul is dead while she is living, clearly showing the "trapped nature" of South Asian women. (if you can't see this, you are not yet reached the economical/social/professional state that allows you to see it).
All Pooja ever did in that "great place" was cooking, cleaning, and taking care of others. Nothing else. Which is same as a woman in a slum, without such luxurious kitchen of course, but does it matter? Anything other than this is not allowed because she is a woman. In this wealthy business tycoon's household, only men enjoyed all work and success, leading their teams, making friends, travel to new places, meeting new people, enjoying new experiences, learning new skills, driving luxury cars and most importantly, feeling the purpose/satisfaction of life all the time. These men also needed to experience a good marriage life to complete that aspect of their multi dimensional lives, so women like Pooja are selected and trapped in that one dimensional small aspect of the man's life. Her prison was luxurious to the point that she was thinking she is lucky to be there. She cooked/cleaned/served in the most priciest kitchen, but still all she did was sacrificing her precious life and identity for others.
Your self esteem never grow, regardless of your gender, if you haven't discover your purpose of life. It may be becoming a professional, artist, community leader, religious guru, or anything else, but you need to discover it, the earlier the better. Without this, you are always suffering from low self esteem, fear, unhappiness and dissatisfaction of life.
Men who marry premature women like Pooja and trapped them in luxury cages later discover that the woman got matured and understood what happened to her in the later stage of her life. They blame she fled with someone/depressed/start acting crazy/addicted to something (TV, temple,drugs) although they provided her "everything". This everything is lacking the most important things: identity, self esteem, and purpose of life.
Girls, no man is precious enough to sacrifice your education, your goals, and purpose of your life.
If all you do in your life is cooking/cleaning/taking care of others, your life is miserable. You can be easily replaced by a good butler/servant or another woman any time. You know this deep down, so you are very insecure. Also, you know in deep down (thankfully Pooja died before she matured to this level), your so called loved ones sucked life out of you without any gratitude or respect. If you carefully noticed, after Pooja died falling from the staircase, they cried and buried her, but continued to live happily in the same house seeing that staircase all the time, while planning a second marriage to the man. Life moved on, Rajesh agreed to remarry, although 1st attempt was unsuccessful, he will definitely do it later. Pooja was nobody to him deep down, He is sad because that role Pooja played as his trophy wife was no more. But luckily for him, her role can be replaced with another pretty, young, premature woman easily.
Lets change the movies like this. Pooja was an artist when she met Rajesh (which is true in the original film). Pooja has a goal to open an Art Gallery in town and teach/host workshops/draw/sell art/host exhibitions/meet like minded people there. She also wanted to travel internationally to learn more art techniques, participate in exhibitions, and just for fun. Since money is not a barrier in this household, she could definitely have fulfilled all this goals and retain her identity, feel the purpose of life while engaging all other household matters (as Rajesh does). They have so many servants already, why can't they cook and take care of other work when she is not around? In this plot, Pooja also have a multi dimensional, enriched life.
After watching this movie for the first time when I became matured, my RELATIONSHIP NUGGETS for Sri Lankan women are:
1. No man is precious enough to sacrifice your education, your goals, and purpose of your life.
2. You will reach the age where you can easily tell that the relationship is not going to work just by the conversation. Until you reach this level of maturity, focus on your life improvements. Never sacrifice your life to improve a random man's life/do not act like a rehabilitation center (when you have a lot of rehabilitations to do to yourself).
3. When you are matured enough, you only see 2 relationship states in your life. Happily single and happily married. There are no other status in between these two. You are strong enough to be single all your life rather than stuck in a life sucking marriage that costs your health, well being, identity, hopes, dreams, inner peace, happiness etc. You are not afraid to reach a good man and invest on him to be happily married either.
4. If you have to beg someone to do the bare minimum for you and if you have to keep telling them how you deserved to be treated better then for goodness sake. LEAVE. It's not worth your peace.
5. Don’t ignore the red flags you see at the beginning. The red flags you ignore trying to see the good in people WILL cost you later.
6. Just because a person keeps you around doesn’t mean they love you; remember, people, buy cats just to get rid of rats.
7. If SEX is all you are about in a relationship, then it means you are actually empty. A healthy relationship is about purpose! Sharing visions and values together.
8. In life, you need to learn to stop opening doors for toxic people and giving them room in your mind, and calling it "seeking closure!" You're delaying your healing process.
9. Avoid the damaged, the unhappy, and the unlucky when it comes to relationships at all cost.
10. Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind.
11. As a woman, understand that men will say and do anything to sleep with you. Look at the actions, don’t be blinded by words. Anyone can talk a good game, but it takes a real ball player to play one.
10 KINDS OF GUYS YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY
1. The Narcissist:
A Narcissist has an inflated sense of his own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. He is manipulative, exploitative, has fragile self-esteem, has sense of entitlement and lacks empathy – don’t marry him
2. The Commitment-Phobic:
If he consistently avoids discussions about the future or commitment, it could be a sign he's not ready for a serious relationship.
3. The Mama's Boy:
If he is overly dependent on his mother and seeks her approval in everything, it can create tension in your relationship. He is still tied to his mother’s apron strings – let him be!
4. The Control Freak:
This man may try to control every aspect of your life, from what you wear, to who you see, to where you go. Someone who always needs to be in control can make it difficult to maintain a healthy, balanced partnership.
5. The Serial Cheater:
Trust is the foundation of any successful marriage, and someone who has a history of infidelity may not be capable of building or maintaining that trust. Don’t give what is holy to a dog.
6. The Perpetual Adolescent:
While a sense of fun and playfulness is important, someone who refuses to take on adult responsibilities or make mature decisions may not be ready for marriage. He is a baby husband in the making
7. The Abuser:
Whether it's physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, any form of mistreatment should be a clear red flag.
8. The Addict:
Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, or any other addiction, being in a relationship with a man who is struggling with addiction can be challenging and stressful. Don’t inherit a liability.
9. The Unresolved Baggage Holder:
"Unresolved baggage" refers to emotional issues or traumas from the past that have not been adequately addressed or processed. Examples are childhood trauma, low self-esteem, identity crises, negative belief patterns etc.
10. The Financially Irresponsible:
If a man is unable to manage his finances or constantly relies on others for financial support, it can create stress and instability in your relationship.
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